You're staying, right?
by Sebastina Michaelis
Summary: armin isnt going to let jean go, no matter what


"Jean, you'll stay here with me, right?"

He nodded absentmindedly, not paying me any mind. A frustrated sigh escaped me and I folded my arms over my chest. He had been doing this a lot lately. Running off and getting lost in his own little world. Everybody in our squad was dropping like flies and I was starting to this he was blaming himself to some degree. It was stupid of course, but telling him that wouldn't change anything. He'd sooner blame himself for all of this than anyone else, he was just that kind of person.

Jean didn't react when I wrapped my arms around him and continued to stare blankly up at the sky. _I bet he's thinking about Marco again._ I rested my forehead on in-between his shoulder blades and closed my eyes. _He's not as warm as he usually is._ "Stop blaming yourself. He was going to get himself killed eventually."

He turned his head to the side and glanced back at me. His gold eyes were glazed over, as if he had brought himself to the verge of tears for no reason. Eren and the others weren't worth crying over. I hadn't shed a single tear for any of them and I wasn't going to either. What was the point? Did I really mean less than somebody who was dead and nothing more than a pile of ash? I was standing right there! Was wanting to be held by my boyfriend really too much to ask? "You're the last person I'd expect to be saying something like that."

I shrugged. "He's dead. Big deal. I'm going to end up there at some point. So are you and everybody else I've ever met. That's how it goes."

Jean twisted around, trying to get a better look at me but gave up when I refused to cooperate. He placed his slightly larger hands over my own and asked, "When did you get so cynical? I thought you'd be bawling your eyes out. Would you care if I died?"

"Of course I'd care if _you_ died. You're all I have left. I decided that when I fell in love with you. I'm not going to let anything come between us and I decimate any titan that thinks otherwise."

He tensed beneath me and his hands slipped from mine. "Armin, you're starting to freak me out." He broke free from my embrace and stood, standing a few feet away. I slowly rose from the uneven ground and reached for his hand, but he took another step away. He folded his arms over his chest so I wouldn't be tempted to reach out again. "What the hell's gotten into you? I don't think I've ever seen you like this. Did someone spit in your oatmeal or something? You're starting to sound like Eren."

The muscles in my jaw tightened as I took a deep, somewhat calming breath. It didn't help with my outburst though. "Don't' compare me to him!"

Jean took another step back, widening the gap between us. Fear crossed his features as he slowly explained, "calm down. I never said I was."

"You might as well be. Maybe I was wrong. If you're going to abandon me too then you're better off dead."

"Armin, I'm not going anywhere." I pulled away when he reached for my shoulder and turned. Why did I think this was a good idea? I don't matter to him. He just thinks he can forget about me, but I won't let him. I'm not getting left behind again. "I'm standing right here."

"For now… just go. I don't care anymore, but don't think that I'll forget about this."

"What are you talking about?" Jean pulled me back against his chest and tried to tip my head backwards so he was looking at me. "What's wrong?"

"Nothing, I'm fine."

"You don't' seem fine." I turned and buried my face in his chest. _You're the one who's not fine. You're just going to end up leaving me. I'd rather kill you myself then wait for one of them to do it._ "Armin?"

I hummed a response, more focused on the sound of his beating heart and the gentle rise and fall of his chest then anything he could have said. Words were meaningless. "Are you mad at me?"

I shook my head, clutching the thin fabric of his shirt. I couldn't quite find the right words for it, but mad wasn't right. Frustrated. Lonely. Homicidal. Those sounded about right. "Did I do something wrong?"

I shrugged, still refusing to look up at him. I couldn't pin all of this on him, and I wasn't going to pretend I was going to. But if he kept this up we were going to end up going around in circles. "Armin, I'm sorry okay? Just, say something."

He moved his hands to the sides of my face and stroked my cheeks with his thumbs. Jean offered a small smile when I peeked up at him and waited. "There's nothing to say. You didn't do anything wrong."

I traced a small circle on his chest when he huffed. "Then who did?" I shrugged again. "That's not helping."

"You're overthinking this." He started when I flung my arms around his neck and pulled his into a brief kiss. "See?"

He frowned and wrapped his arms around my waist so I couldn't escape. "I'm really not buying it. You're not as good of a liar as you think you are."

"I'm not lying."

"Then you aren't telling me everything."

Irritation crept into my voice as I slowly explained for what felt like the hundredth time, "I already told you, there's nothing to say."

"No, you said I hadn't done anything. I want to know who did in case I need to go beat someone into next week."

"Just because you didn't do anything, it doesn't mean someone else has either. Did you ever stop to think that I'm upset with myself?"

He pulled me down onto the ground with him, and placed me in his lap. After a few moments of a thoughtful silence, I tucked my head under his chin. "Why? What's wrong?"

"Nothing, like I said."

A sound of frustration escaped him and he buried his face in my hair. "There has to be something. Do you not want to tell me? I won't be mad."

I sighed softly, not know what he wanted me to say. How was I supposed to tell him to 'stop focusing on the dead' without sounding 'cynical'? What had he even meant? Cynical? As if  
>I was being Cynical. It didn't even feel like a word anymore. How many more laps of this whole thing were we going to take before something came out that wasn't supposed to? Maybe then he'd just let the whole thing drop and we could pretend nothing had happened. If he went into shock again maybe he actually would forget. "I don't know, stop over thinking it. I feel fine."<p>

"But you aren't like this."

"Maybe I'm tired of being how I always am."

Jean reached for me as I stood, but I ignored him and brushed some dirt off the back of my pants. "What's that supposed to mean? You were fine as you were. Where is all of this coming from all of the sudden? Can you at least tell me that?"

I felt his short nails digging into my shoulders as I tried to walk away. He was getting desperate. Maybe I was the only thing he thought he understood. Sweet, shy little Armin. And now that he couldn't even say that he had worked himself into a frenzy. Did he not realize how illogical everything was? A sentence printed in black and white could have thousands of different meanings. Nothing was, or ever would be that simple. "Nowhere, that's kind of the point. If you don't like it you can leave, like I told you." _What if he actually leaves?_

My heart skipped a beat and I started trying to convince myself he wouldn't. I was all he had left too right? "I'm not going to leave just because you're in shock or something."

"I'm not in shock!" _Why is he doing this? He's making things so much harder than they need to be. _

I felt his weight around me and turned to find him on his knees. "Armin you're really scaring me. Can't you just go see Hanji or something?"

My arms hung limply at my sides as I stared at the top of his head. His shaggy tawny hair covered most of his face so I couldn't even begin to figure out what he was thinking. My shirt wasn't wet, so at least he wasn't crying. Yet. With everything that had been going on he might have. "How? I'm not doing anything."

"That's the problem! Have you just stopped caring about everything? I don't want to wake up one morning and find you offed yourself in the night without even bothering to leave me a note."

I tried pulling away from him, but he wouldn't budge. If anything he pulled himself closer and buried his face in my shirt. He seemed smaller and he was trembling from whatever worst case scenario he had made up for me. "I'm not going to do something so stupid. Don't you try either. I'll never forgive you."

A warm, wetness slowly started to spread across the front of my shirt as Jean finally broke down. Venting out all his inner torment as tears instead of words. I buried my fingers in his hair and waited for him to calm down enough to stand. "Why?" He was broken, and I found myself feeling worse than I already was. There wasn't any reason for me to do this to him. He didn't deserve it. But it was always the strongest one who were the most scared on the inside. I might as well have thrown another nail in my coffin.

"If you're going to die I'd rather it be by my own hand. "

He flinched and scooted backwards, gazing up at me hurt and confused. His tears stopped flowing but fear was starting to settle over him. "Y- You're going to kill me?"

"If you want to die so badly what's the difference if I do it or you do it? Either way you're being plunged into the abyss."

He scooted back another few inches as I started to approach, torn between staying and going back inside where there would be witnesses. I wasn't going to kill him now. Even if I had the right tools. He had proven himself to me. If he continued to show signs of straying from the path, then we might have needed to have another talk. "Relax. I'm not going to kill you in cold blood."

He whimpered softly when I smiled, and stared blankly when I placed myself in his lap again. "Armin?"

"What is it?"

"I don't want to die."

I gently kissed his exposed neck. "Good, I don't want to kill my boyfriend."

He laughed nervously and hesitantly wrapped his arms around me, like he was expecting me to lash out for no reason. Jean looked just behind me as I straddled his waist and practically begged, "Please go see Hanji."

I pouted and rested my forehead against his. "She's crazier than I am."

Jean slowly dragged himself back to wherever he had been, the light finally returning to his gold eyes. Warmth flowed through me when he kissed the tip of my nose and gently teased, "Why don't you channel some of that next time Reiner is checking out your ass?"

I paused thoughtfully and pressed myself against him. Jean gently kissed me a few times, testing the waters before I finally concluded, "I'll leave that to you."


End file.
